Funny Quotes

Most of the men that sue in Hollywood are all about five foot two. They wake up every day, know they'ree tiny and feel very angry about it, so they go out and sue people.
-- Piers Morgan

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
-- Frankie Boyle

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
-- Frankie Boyle


A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-- Anonymous

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan OBrien

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint...a Saint Bernard!
-- Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
-- Rodney Dangerfield



Some Have Psychologists, Some Have Sportologists — I Smoke
-- Angel Cabrera



A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock.
-- Dave Allen

I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.
-- Tommy Cooper

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
-- Les Dawson


She can hardly get through an open door without explicit directions.
-- William Lee Scott (on Claudia Schiffer)

Make crime pay - become a lawyer.
-- Will Rogers

A secretary ran into the bosses office and said "Can I use your dictaphone?" He says, "no, use your finger like everybody else"
-- Bernard Manning

Ken dodd of all the comedians - tight. We went to a stripshow and he wanted half of his money back because one of the strippers only had one t*t.
-- Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
-- Bernard Manning

How could Bernard Manning be a racist when he had four black horses pulling his coffin?
-- Frank Carson

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
-- Bernard Manning

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
-- Tommy Cooper


Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
-- Benny Hill

Once it was impossible to find any Bond villains older than myself, I retired.
-- Roger Moore


Ah, stardom! They put your name on a star in the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard and you walk down and find a pile of dog manure on it. That tells the whole story, baby.
-- Lee Marvin

Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
-- Peter Kay

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-- Frank Sinatra